This one isn’t one of the usual little words that I come across. It’s one I wish we didn’t have to encounter. The other ones I can handle when they come around, I acknowledge them, I feel them, then I move on forgetting about their existence until they appear again.
Loss is different. Loss walks around beside you, hovering over you, ready to sit with you the moment you stop and allow yourself to think about it.
I’m lucky loss and me haven’t really had many encounters only when it was already expected and when it had come to a natural end, which doesn’t make it easy but it was loss that made sense to me and could be accepted. Now I know how loss feels, how it hangs and stays. Even when on the outside when everything is fine and we function normally. Its still there.
And I know its ok to feel. I know it should be. The problem with loss is that our brains are left behind and they can’t keep up with what happens to our bodies or to the ones we have lost. In our minds we’ve got it all mapped out, all planned and when it doesn’t work out that way its hard. We can’t even see the one we have lost, hold them or ask them how they feel about it. Loss is lonely and quiet yet stifling and no body talks about it. We just silently suffer.
We need to let ourselves feel it and let it out. So there it is. My reason for writing this today. What do I do when all is quiet except from me and my loss, when everyone else is off doing the things they are doing that day. The guard comes down and me and loss take ourselves for a walk. Breathing in the fresh air and I try to breath the loss away. Thats the thing though sometimes it doesn’t want to leave so I guess we will just hang out for a bit longer. I’ll be kept busy and taking my focus elsewhere but I have the feeling loss will be waiting for me whenever I choose to let it back in again and I’ve decided I’m comforted by that. I know that letting it out makes me feel better, maybe not straight away. Loss and I have only really just started our relationship but it’s my understanding that we are in for the long run and no matter what happens it will always be ok for me to let it out. If you are experiencing it too I hope you agree and I hope to allow yourself to have these moments too. The thing is we should all talk about it more because we’re not the only one feeling it.
An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book “too beautiful for earth”.